{300 WORDS OR LESS}
Ever written an obituary? Yeah, neither had D.S. Moss. In this episode, Moss is asked to write a memorial to his grandfather with the challenge of a limited word count. How do you capture a person’s life in two paragraphs? And, what exactly is the purpose of an obit? Is it a matter of record or a legacy statement? To make it even more awkward, his grandfather is actually still alive and will be proofreading. Worried he’ll fuck it up, Moss enlists a professional NY Times journalist to help write his first obituary.
GEORGE RICHARD MOSS
George Richard Moss, is baddest mofo in this here galaxy.
PAUL VITELLO
Paul Vitello is is an American journalist who has been writing for a variety of publications since 1972. He wrote an award-winning news column for Newsday from 1982 to 2005. He currently writes for the religion and obituary sections of The New York Times and is a lecturer at Stony Brook University's School of Journalism.
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Music Attribution
transcript
OPENING SEQUENCE
SOUND: DING
Henry Kluarte Scene #1
MUSIC: "Tired of life" BY Meydan
DOLLY KLUARTE
Henry?!
Henry...
Why are you still reading the paper? It's past your bedtime.
HENRY KLUARTE
Just reading the Metro section again, dear.
DOLLY KLUARTE
Not sure what's so important that you need to read it a second time?
HENRY KLUARTE
Births, marriages, and death - the complete cycle of life all within one section of the newspaper.
DOLLY KLUARTE
What was that?
HENRY KLUARTE
Nothing dear.
DOLLY KLUARTE
Well, go on. Get to bed, Henry.
HENRY KLUARTE
I'm going.
D.S. Moss_VO
That's a scene from The Short and Happy Life of Henry Kluarte a short film I wrote years ago while in film school. It's the story of a man, who in his twilight, takes control of his life for the very first time.
Henry Kluarte Scene #2
HENRY KLUARTE
Morning, dear.
DOLLY KLUARTE
Your oatmeal's on the table getting cold.
Henry!?, What in God's name do you think you're doing?
HENRY KLUARTE
I'm pouring a cup of coffee. What does it look like I'm doing?
DOLLY KLUARTE
What's the big idea? You can't wear that suit today. It's your special day suit.
You're gonna muck it up.
HENRY KLUARTE
Well dear, let's just say, I have a feeling today will be quite special. Quite special indeed.
D.S. MOSS_VO
The punchline is --- Henry has written his own obituary and published it in morning paper. He's wearing his special suit because today he's going to end his life.
My Dad had read that script and likes to refer to my college days as my "dark period". Obviously, he's never seen my high school portfolio.
Interestingly, that same Dad - has just asked me to write my Grandfather's obituary, who, for the record, is very much still alive.
Because of the close emotional proximity to my grandpa coupled with the fact that he might be reading his own obituary that I pen - I'm feeling a bit of pressure to not fuck it up.
MUSIC: "Greylock" by Blue dot sessions
D.S. MOSS_VO
I imagine, however, that I'm not alone in feeling this. Most of you, at some point in your life - if you haven't already - will be asked to write an obituary for someone you love. And will also be feeling the pressure to not fuck it up.
D.S. MOSS_VO
So this episode is a tutorial of sorts - one that I hope can serve as a template if you should find yourself in a similar situation.
Please join me in episode 6 of season 2 as I conduct an awkward exit interview with my grandpa then sit down with a New York Times obit writer for a lesson in summarizing a life in: 300 Words or Less
MUSIC: "MEMENTO MORI" BY MIKEY BALLOU
RUTHIE_VO
From The Jones Story Company, this is: THE ADVENTURES OF MEMENTO MORI, A Cynic's Guide for Learning to Live by Remembering to Die - the podcast that explores mortality. Here's your host D.S. Moss.
CHAPTER 1: DEFINING TOPIC
D.S. MOSS_VO
Today, I will write the obituary for George Richard Moss, aka Dick Moss, my grandfather. Outside of the fictional one I wrote for Henry Kluarte, I have no prior obit writing experience.
I do, however, remember having done lots of research for that fictional obit, so I knocked off the digital dust and am using it as a starting point.
It begins...
MUSIC: "L'Etoile danse (PT 2)" by Meydan
D.S. MOSS_VO
Angels wept tears of joy today as Henry Kluarte went to his Heavenly home.
HENRY KLUARTE
Angels wept tears of joy today as Henry Kluarte went to his Heavenly home.
Henry was born in Binghamton, New York to the proud parents Abraham and Goldie Kluarte. He was an only child, because the Kluartes knew that they had gotten it perfect the first time and saw no sense in testing fate a second.
Henry was popular amongst his neighborhood friends and was always there to tell a funny joke or thwart local bullies.
D.S. MOSS_VO
The structure of Henry's obituary is based on the boilerplate template - It begins with the death euphemism, then birth, a childhood fun fact, high school/ military/college, then marriage, children, work, and back to death to wrap it up.
The chronological life cliff notes.
HENRY KLUARTE
...he continually moved up the sloping beach and engaged the ruthless enemy in a pitched hand grenade duel, returning the dangerous weapons with prompt and deadly accuracy...
...Henry started his own business and watched it mature into a Fortune 500 company...
D.S. MOSS_VO
Henry's obituary, is all hyperbole - if not pure fiction. In the reality of the story, his life was humdrum. But if an obituary was to be his legacy of record, and he was the author, why not write it to reflect not how he lived but how he wants to be remembered. You know, like instagram.
HENRY KLUARTE
...surprising his wife Dolly with romantic getaways to Paris and Hawaii.
To find a man of such caliber and zeal for life will be hard to find. He was dearly loved and admired and will be greatly missed.
D.S. MOSS_VO
This boilerplate chronological life highlight, will be the template that I'll use for this next obituary, with the addition of some Henry Kluarte flair.
Not to suggest that my grandfather's life is humdrum. But as a legacy of record written in 300 words or less - why not make it worth the read.
SOUND: First piano notes of "Tired of Life"
D.S. MOSS_VO
Step 1: Conduct an exit interview -
D.S. MOSS_IN
So, and this is part of the awkward conversation, because ... What I'm surprised dad didn't tell you about this... ...he asked me ...had asked me to write your obituary.
GRANDPA
Yeah.
SOUND: Second Piano Notes of "Tired of Life"
D.S. MOSS_VO
Begin with some legacy ice breakers.
D.S. Moss_IN
What do you think your three best qualities are?
Grandpa
I don't have any best quality.
D.S. MOSS_IN
Do you have any regrets at all?
GRANDPA
None. Not a thing.
D.S. MOSS_IN
Is there anything that you for sure want in there? I guess, how do you want to be remembered?
GRANDPA
Oh, I don't know. No, I don't know.
SOUND: Third Piano notes of "Tired of LIfe"
D.S. MOSS_VO
Next, if you haven't let the awkwardness deter you - Collect some life facts.
D.S. MOSS_VO
Begin with the date and place of birth, then tidbits about their father...
GRANDPA
He was a cowboy... If he had a horse and a dog, he was happy. And he always had a horse and a dog.
D.S. MOSS_VO
And their mother...
GRANDPA
I think mom really didn't like ranch life, so she'd live on a ranch for a few years, but then she'd finally convince dad to move to town.
D.S. MOSS_VO
Then some interesting childhood facts - such as barely surviving scarlet fever.
GRANDPA
Back in those days, they had a lot of different diseases there. And it seemed like I was always in quarantine all the time.
D.S. MOSS_VO
Their high school years.
GRANDPA
Like I say, I think from the age that I was old enough to work on a ranch, that's what I done. Dad farmed me out.
Senior year, but dad had passed away, and I had worked a half a day and went to school a half a day. So, the principal or superintendent decided that wasn't right. So, they nominated my friend to be class president.
D.S. MOSS_VO
And their military service and/or college...
GRANDPA
Yeah. A bunch of us got together and we joined the Navy...
...Enlisted for the duration; yep
D.S. MOSS_VO
Then marriage.
GRANDPA
The day I come back, she was ironing my clothes. I come back and put my sleeping bag on the porch, walked in the door, and mom was sitting in a chair by the stove, and Lillian was sat there ironing a shirt for me...
That was right on the end of July... And then, September 27th, we got married.
D.S. MOSS_IN
And then, you had three kids?
GRANDPA
I had three kids; yep.
D.S. MOSS_IN
And then, it was over 30 years at the phone company.
GRANDPA
33 years with the phone company; yep.
D.S. MOSS_VO
Next, gather a few notable extra curricular activities such as winning their town's volunteer of the year award and being an avid outdoorsman.
MUSIC: "Glimpse of eternity" by Meydan
D.S. MOSS_VO
And finally, to wrap up your interview - get some sage nuggets of wisdom.
D.S. MOSS_IN
What advice would you give your grandchildren's children? Just like life advice, or wisdom that you want to pass on to them.
GRANDPA
Just do what you want to do. Because, like I say, there's nothing you can do that'll make you any happier, really.
CHAPTER 2: QUESTIONS THE TOPIC/GOES DEEPER IN DEFINING TOPIC
D.S. MOSS_VO
Yeah, I'm not feeling it.
After doing this exit interview, I realize the boilerplate isn't going to work.
The problem is that it feels more like I'm writing his LinkedIn bio than a memorial of his life.
Although surrendering his title in the high school student body may be contextually interesting, it doesn't even make the top 10,000 things that I, his grandson and author, find interesting.
MUSIC: "The Yards" by Blue dot sessions
So here are some questions:
Is the author's supposed to be voice neutral? I mean, you never see a poem for an obit.
Is it just a matter of record? Or, is it a legacy statement?
And this is where I'm stuck - What is the purpose of an obituary?
CHAPTER 3: INTRODUCES CONFLICT
Paul
An obituary is a news story, just like any other story, stories on the front page of the newspaper are judged by the same criteria that an obituary is.
D.S. MOSS_VO
Paul Vitello, journalist who has written dozens and dozens of obits for the New York Times.
The first point - don't confuse an obituary with a death notice.
PAUL
A death notice is basically a paid ad if your grandmother dies, and you want it to be noted in the newspaper, even if you would like to have a story of her life as an immigrant from Italy and having worked in the textile industry in the 1920s, if you want all that stuff in, you can pay a newspaper or a website, by the word, to have that death notice printed or published.
D.S. MOSS_VO
Ok. Some clarity. Death notices are paid ads primarily used for announcing the passing and communicating when and where services will be held. And since you're paying for it - you can print whatever you want. Even a poem.
Obituaries, on the other hand, are news stories written by the newspaper. I was definitely conflating the two.
So, I'm actually writing a death notice. for someone who is still alive. And somehow that clarity makes this feel even more awkward than it did before.
But we shall continue with our obit writing lesson. After this.
CALL TO ACTION 1
MUSIC: EMERGENCY EXIT BY DR. FRANKENSTEIN
RUTHIE_VO
Hello fellow provocateurs that believe death is a topic worth talking about. We need your help spreading the word. Be the slightly odd yet endlessly fascinating conversationalist at your next party and tell your friends about The Adventures of Memento Mori.
Have show ideas? Contact us on our site remembertodie.com
Be sure to stay up to date with the quest for enlightenment on Instagram and Twitter by following @remembertodie.
And now, back to show...
CHAPTER 4: EXPLORE THE CONFLICT/QUESTION ASSUMPTIONS
MUSIC: "Walking shoes" By Blue dot sessions
D.S. MOSS_VO
Before the break I was feeling a bit more awkwardly morbid than normal because I'm writing a death notice for a loved one who is still alive.
But as former New York Times obit writer Paul Vitello points out - It's actually a very common practice.
PAUL
I don't know the number, but I think there's thousands in our bank of advances.
D.S. MOSS_IN
I guess a way to be proactive. Is that just based on age and health?
PAUL
It's based on age and prominence, and on the competitive nature of the business.
D.S. MOSS_VO
There are people whose deaths will be a very competitive news story. Queen Elizabeth, for an example.
PAUL
You would not want to be stuck with the news that she had died without having a formidable obituary prepared because everybody will be putting stuff up, especially now that we're so digital and so instantaneous.
D.S. MOSS_VO
I know what you're thinking cause I'm thinking it too. Who is worthy of an advance?
PAUL
If someone has been a major news maker during their life and is known to the general public for having participated in world events during the public's lifetime, they are a natural obituary subject.
D.S. MOSS_VO
And that applies to all obituaries, not just advances.
To be considered worthy, you don't necessarily have to be famous famous.
PAUL
Some people are not known and are written about because within their fields they made an impact that was outsized. A scholar who changed the way historians think about immigration, for instance.
D.S. MOSS_VO
Or the artist who made cow sculptures out of butter, or the man who invented the slinky, or Matty "the Horse" Ianniello the mafioso who ran all the porn shops in Times Square.
D.S. MOSS_IN
So, a New Yorker or anyone for that matter who lived a very virtuous life and gave 25% of their earnings to charity and volunteered, that wouldn't necessarily-
PAUL
Yeah, that's a good question. Why not, and yeah, they would not necessarily merit an obituary for [00:06:30] having been very successful and being very generous and been very good.
CHAPTER 5: REPEATS THE CONFLICT STRONGER
D.S. MOSS_IN
So when we use the word worthy in terms of a New York Times obituary, it still is newsworthy.
PAUL
Yeah, we're still talking in pretty commercial times, like whose life will be interesting to our readers?...
...Either we can make a case that their work changed the way the world is understood, or because they sang a song that touched everybody of a certain generation.
CHAPTER 6: THE BEGINNING OF THE ANSWER
MUSIC: "Pedalrider" By Blue dot sessions
D.S. MOSS_VO
A song perhaps, like "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted." To help illustrate the format of a well-written obit we will use Jimmy Ruffin's - the singer of that Motown hit.
D.S. MOSS_IN
If we can just go over the structural parts of a well-written obituary.
PAUL
Yes. You know that the first part is going to say that so and so died, and it's also going to say in the first paragraph this person who died, why you need to know about the fact that he died, what made him or her notable, and in this case, Jimmy Ruffin was the singer of a top 10 hit, What Becomes of the Broken Hearted, and so you put that right into the lead because it's the thing that will probably resonate with most readers and will make that connection that says, oh, yeah, I remember him.
D.S. MOSS_IN
So, the lead is always to say who died and why you're reading about it. And are leads like one sentence, two sentence?
PAUL
Usually one, maybe two sentences.
D.S. MOSS_VO
And then comes the death euphemism. Right?
PAUL
There's no euphemism...
PAUL
Pretty much it's because the Times is a newspaper of record and because it sounds funny and it's not appropriate to a newspaper.
D.S. MOSS_VO
"Passed on to their heavenly reward" isn't verifiable. Died, on the other hand, that can be fact checked.
MUSIC: "Please wake up" by Meydan
In death notices, however, they're welcomed if not encouraged.
There's an instagram account that I'm a big fan of: theydidntdie - which is a scroll of the most amazing death euphemisms clipped out of newspapers.
They range from the hobbist:
Person 1
Fred took his last fishing trip.
Person 2
Charles moved on to his tree stand in the sky.
D.S. MOSS_VO
To the piercingly sweet
Person 3
Carolyn trusted her wings and left on her next great adventure.
Person 4
Beth was called to meet all the loving animal babies on the other side of the rainbow.
D.S. MOSS_VO
To ridiculously punny - and one of my all time favorites...
The world's most lethal monopoly player finally passed Go to Heaven.
D.S. MOSS_VO
If you have a limited number of words in a death notice the creative euphemism is the best bang for the buck. Just don't expect one in a NY Times obituary.
PAUL
And then following that, this is a New York Times convention, the second paragraph almost always has a confirmation of the fact that this person died from a living survivor, a spokesperson, someone identified by name, and the reason for that is there have been cases where people were wrongly reported to have died, which is the worst possible correction ever...
D.S. MOSS_VO
One of the most famous cases of this is of Alfred Nobel - the founder of Nobel Peace Prize.
But did you know -Nobel was also the inventor of dynamite and had 355 patents on other types of explosives. His death was mistaken reported and after reading his own obit he recognized that his legacy nothing but destruction and death. So, in Ebenezer scrooge fashion, he was inspired to create the Peace Prize...to be awarded to those who conferred the greatest benefit on mankind.
D.S. MOSS_IN
Then there's really comes into the body. What I noticed, what struck me about Jimmy's is that...
...it's not the span of his life...It's really about this one thing, which is an expansion of the lead.
PAUL
That's a function of how much space the New York Times editor decided was worth devoting to Mr. Ruffin. There were aspects of his story that were interesting that couldn't be included because there wasn't really space, but in the obit that I wrote, it puts him in the context of Motown in this early '60s. He was one of the stars...
D.S. MOSS_VO
So for the body it's best not to try to capture everything about the person, but rather focus on one thing that makes the person notable.
D.S. MOSS_IN
I would also imagine that the ending, how you end an obituary, is quite difficult.
PAUL
Do you write an ending that has a kicker, or a novelistic summing up, or do you do what newspapers are supposed to do, which is get as much information into the top in the old inverted pyramid style and give the reader whatever they can absorb in the first couple of graphs.
D.S. MOSS_VO
I suppose we all know what the ending is. A kicker is always nice, but with such a limited word count, it makes sense to focus on the body.
MUSIC: "Greylock" by Blue dot sessions
And that's the format - One to two sentences describing who died and what made them notable. Then verification followed by the body expanding on the first sentence and then a quick ending.
Hopefully you find this helpful in the case you're asked to write one. Stick around, to see if I still manage to fuck it up.
MUSIC: "O CEREBRO DO MORTO" BY DR. FRANKENSTEIN
RUTHIE_VO
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CHAPTER 7: SIGNS OF HOW HE IS CHANGING
D.S. MOSS_IN
Having a job where you write obituaries every day, has that instigated you to contemplate and think about your mortality more?
PAUL
I'm a person who thinks about his mortality all the time and always did, even before I started writing obituaries, but in some ways it kind of makes you aware of the fact that there is a deadline. People of great, great accomplishments seem to have built into them some innate sense of that deadline... and they must have a clock that tells them now or never.
D.S. MOSS_VO
15 years ago when I wrote The Short and Happy Life of Henry Kluarte the obit was Henry's morbid way to create a life that he wanted to live. But instead of actually making changes - like Alfred Nobel did, he took the easy way out.
I realize now though that writing your own obituary isn't morbid at all. It's actually a powerful memento mori. A clock, as Paul puts it, tick tocking in the background that tells you it's now or never. So, instead of wasting your time writing New Years resolutions, why not write your own obituary? Besides some instant gratitude and ideas of how you may want to change your life -it's also great way to add some spice to an otherwise bland New Years Eve party.
CHAPTER 8: FLIPPING THE ASSUMPTION OVER
MUSIC: "L'Etoile Danse" by Meydan
D.S. MOSS_VO
Now to the point of this whole thing - the life George Richard Moss in 300 words or less.
Taking Paul's advice I tried focusing on one noteworthy thing. It was a challenge because to me, he is so many things. But this has nothing to do with me. I realize now that it's not important what the world thinks is noteworthy about a person, it's what the person thinks is noteworthy about the world.
And in his exit interview he made it very clear what was most noteworthy to him.
CHAPTER 9: THE UNABASHED ANSWER
GRANDPA
...I think the biggest thing that I ever done was marry mom. Yeah. It was the best move I ever made...
MUSIC: "gonna give her all the love I got " by Jimmy ruffin
D.S. MOSS_VO
What started out an obituary turned into death notice and that somehow turned into love story.
D.S. MOSS_VO
From a small town Idaho boy with a ranchers heart to the dazzling girl named Lilian with whom he'd spent the next sixty years.
GRANDPA
...She got up, and went out, started skating with a guy by the name of Paul ... and she was laughing, and talking to him... "Well, hell; I'm not gonna put up with that...."
...So, I got out there, I said, "Do you want a ring?" What , made me say that, I have no idea....
..She was afraid of heights when it come time to shingle the house. She was bound, determined to help me; so, she'd get up ...
..She'd hang up, come in, kind of laugh, and says, "Well, I've made your son mad at me again," she'd say. Because she'd be for something the democrats done...
We had a big garden we just loved putting up. We had peas, and corn, and all that stuff.
I mean, she had a mind, and she spoke it. She let you know just exactly what she thought. You might not like it, but she loved everybody; but, it didn't stop her from telling you what she thought. And I thought that's quite a good deal, by gollie.
CHAPTER 11: THE LESSON
D.S. MOSS_VO
Of course this is an intimate matter and I won't be publishing it here and hope not to be publishing it anywhere for a long while. But I'm feeling pretty pretty good about what's come out of 300 words.
GRANDPA
Yeah. I'm glad I had the life I had...
I wouldn't change a thing; no.
CHAPTER 12: OUTRO
D.S. MOSS
Thanks for joining me on another episode of The Adventures of Memento Mori....
Thanks to journalist Paul Vitello for walking me through a well written obit. Also, thanks to Lew Gardner and Constance Cooper for playing the roles of Henry and Dolly Kluarte.
Be sure to check out theydidntdie the amazing death euphemism instagram account. Again, that's theydidntdie all one word.
And while you're at it, check out our instagram account too remembertodie also all one word.
I am D.S. Moss. Back again next time for more...The Adventures of Memento Mori.
MUSIC: END WITH OUR THEME MUSIC
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
The episode was produced by Josh Heilbronner, D.S. Moss and Hannah Beal. Theme music composed by Mikey Ballou. This has been a production of The Jones Story Company. Until the next time... remember to die.