Listen to Episode 14 here
NEAL GOLDSMITH, PHD.
Neal M. Goldsmith, Ph.D. is a psychologist, public speaker and author, specializing in psychospiritual development, with particular expertise in psychedelic psychotherapy. He is author of dozens of popular and scholarly articles, curates and hosts innovative workshops, salons, and conferences, and is a frequent speaker on psychotherapy and change, adult developmental psychology, psychedelics research and policy, and the integral future of society.
Dr. Goldsmith’s book, Psychedelic Healing: The Promise of Entheogens for Psychotherapy and Spiritual Development, describes the current renaissance in psychedelic research and the influence of psychedelics on his personality theory and clinical practice. (A six-minute clip from his interview: “Fusion of Spirit and Science” may be found at: http://vimeo.com/7517009.)
Trained in humanistic, transpersonal, and Eastern traditions, Dr. Goldsmith maintains a (non-psychedelic) psychotherapy practice in New York City and Sag Harbor, NY.
DEVIN MARTIN
Devin Martin is the founder of the coaching and consulting company LifeStyle Integrity and consistently ranked as a top Life Coach in New York City. A student of growth and transformation for more than two decades he spent the first 13 years of his career working as a security consultant for clients such as The Federal Reserve Bank and Fortune 500 companies. After more than a decade spent shepherding complex, nation wide projects through departmental silos and bureaucratic gridlock he became acutely attuned to both why organizations thrive and where they fail. Because of his core belief that the fate of humanity and the planet hinges on the level of consciousness of decision makers, he has since dedicated his life to raising consciousness amongst those whose decisions impact the most people. This has led to him working with leaders in business, media and education.
Devin uses an integral approach to coaching focused on helping individuals and corporations align their strategies with both cutting edge science and their hearts. www.LifeStyleIntegrity.com
MUSIC ATTRIBUTIONS
transcript
OPENING SEQUENCE
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
(This is me in bed in Brooklyn)
Time on deck: 6:37 in the am. It is day twenty-one on my ayahuasca diet and my testicles feel like the size of grapefruits and besides masturbating, the only thing I think about is coffee. Especially at 6:37 am. It's not natural. But I've been meditating that pent-up energy up into my higher chakras.
Anyway, today is the day I leave for Peru. To do ayahuasca in the jungle and this is my first official audio journal entry of the experience. Out for now.
MUSIC: "Las Dunas de diabat" by Melange
DEVIN MARTIN
I think you need to go to Peru ... comfortable with paradox. Because on one hand I want you to be incredibly prepared and have set intentions and go in there asking questions, and have some real idea about what you may hope to gain.
D.S. MOSS
That's life coach Devin Martin, who in this case, is also serving as my ayahuasca psychedelic ego death coach.
DEVIN MARTIN
But on the other hand, I think the most important tool you can possibly have is to surrender, because the greatest gift of psychedelics is probably overwhelmed.
D.S. MOSS
In part 1 of the finale, Devin and I discuss my hijacked ego and the less-than-healthy metrics I use to measure success and love. He then guides me in creating a plan to transcend these issues through a psychedelic experience.
DEVIN MARTIN
Because essentially, your ego ... or we could just your mind ... is obsessed with being in control and you're constantly trying to rationalize everything. But your rational mind is only capable of handling a few details at once. It can't possibly grasp the entirety of reality...
D.S. MOSS_MONO
Isn't that sca- How do you maintain safety?
DEVIN MARTIN
Your ego will be terrified, and as long as you're associating yourself with your ego, you will be terrified, but the truth is you are not that small. The part of you that is not threatened is the part we want you to surrender to. Your higher consciousness, your true nature, your soul, whatever you want to call it. That is fine, that is never threatened.
D.S. MOSS
Ok. Let's Recap the advice: Do Heroic doses. Surrender. Stay focused on your intentions. Don't get lost in the visuals. And be cool with paradox.
In his book, Psychedelic healing, Dr. Neal Goldsmith gives some additional guidance for a successful psychedelic experience.
SOUND FX: DING
RUTHIE
*Setting can strongly influence the state of mind and thus the outcome.
*Mind-set can scuttle a beautiful context or transcend a hellish one.
* Rituals can transmit prior wisdom and guide successful practice.
*Support from experienced guides reduces fear and increases the benefit.
*Reentry into a supportive community aids retention.
*Ongoing spiritual practice offers the main opportunity for spiritual growth.
D.S. MOSS
I'm stalling, I know. But just one more piece of practical information before we go to the jungle.
Neal Goldsmith
Just for the audience to know, Ayahuasca is this admixture of two drugs.
D.S. MOSS
One is DMT, dimethyltryptamine, which is a fast-acting and strong organic hallucinogen. In this case, the ayahuasca vine.
When you take it in its purest state you have to smoke it or inject it because it's not orally active because there's an enzyme in our stomachs that neutralizes the DMT.
NEAL GOLDSMITH
However, if you add another substance called chemically a "beta-carboline," the beta-carbolines inactivate the stomach enzymes that break down the DMT.
If you put these two substances together, the DMT and the beta-carboline, a plant source of beta-carboline and a plant source of DMT, you've got Ayahuasca. Ayahuasca is the DMT form that becomes orally active because you've added a second plant that inactivates the stomach enzymes that break down the DMT.
D.S. MOSS
Thank you, Neal Goldsmith, for the last piece of psychedelic knowledge. And thank you Devin Martin for getting me mentally prepared.
MUSIC: "Las Dunas de diabat" by Melange
Well, I guess, I'm as ready as I'm going to be.
Please join me on an adventure into the shadows of the jungle as I explore the power of psychedelics in a shamanic ayahuasca experience in hopes of transcendence found through ego death.
All of that and nothing less in part two of the podcast finale: Psychedelic Ego Death.
OPENING BUMPER
MUSIC: "Memento mori" by Mikey Ballou
Female announcer
From The Jones Story Company, this is THE ADVENTURES OF MEMENTO MORI, A Cynic's Guide for Learning to Live by Remembering to Die - the podcast that explores mortality. Here's your host D.S. Moss.
CHAPTER 1: THE ARRIVAL
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
Time on deck: 12:55pm
I just checked into the El Dorado Isabel hotel here in Iquitos Peru...
...It's a lovely windowless room with two twin beds. Just in case. But there's a pool so maybe I'll go swimming later. Anyway, this is where the bus will come to pick the group up tomorrow morning so it just made sense to stay here plus I get some sort of discount.
My flight was fine. It was the redeye from JFK to Lima and instead of sleeping I accidentally binged watched the first 7 episodes of Mr. Robot. I'm not supposed to be watching tv anymore as part of the ayahuasca prep so I hope I didn't just curse myself or something.
Alright. I'm tired. Naptime. Out for now.
D.S. MOSS
I woke up from my nap to the sound of fireworks and a helluva party happening out in the streets…
...I wish I could say that I went out exploring and got swept up in a new cultural experience, but I didn't. I just stepped out to get some water, some unsalted almonds and a couple of apples and then went back to my room.
It's the last day of the baseball regular season and if the Mariners win their game they'll be in the postseason for the first time in 15 years.
D.S. MOSS
And so I stay in, sitting on my hotel bed and watch the Marines on my phone as they lose...in extra innings.
MUSIC: "Serpico Goes to Shanghai" by Keshco
D.S. MOSS
There are fifteen of us in total...
More men than women. From all over the world. We drove out of the city of Iquitos, passed through neighboring villages, and then got on a boat heading upriver.
There was a confident quiet on the trip. We all knew we'd be intimately familiar soon enough. No sense spoiling a lovely trip up the Amazon with small talk.
D.S. MOSS
After a 30 minute hike into the jungle, we come to an outpost, then a small path leads us to a wooden bridge where we are greeted by our two facilitators, Jason and Carolina, and 5 healers that will be our spiritual guides for the next twelve days.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
Time on deck is: 11am, on the second day in the jungle. The first full day. Shortly after we arrived yesterday we had an orientation followed by a flower bath - which consists of us sitting on a stool as a maestra pours cold water on us with these little yellow flower petals in it on our heads and down our pants.
So, this morning...I just got back from the vomitivo. It's exactly what it sounds like. A vomit party. We all took turns drinking a lemongrass tea followed by as much water as it took to make us puke. And then everyone else in the group cheered us on. They say it's to prepare and cleanse our bodies for the ceremonies, but really I think it was a psychological exercise to become comfortable with puking in public. And, of course, as we all know, step one of indoctrination is to have people do incredibly vulnerable things in front of a group of strangers. Like puke.
Next up, after lunch, I have my one on one counseling sessions with the healers and facilitators. Out for now.
D.S. MOSS
Before we go a step further, it's important that I relay to you what was relayed to us at the orientation. Context for what is about to happen over the next twelve days is crucial.
MUSIC: "Copa mundial" by keshco
To begin - the essential lexicon:
Tambo - is the term for a hut each person lives in. Mine is #11, nestled back in the tree line across from the pond.
Maloca - this is the large circular building where the ceremonies are held. It has beautiful hardwood floors, 40 foot apex ceiling with a straw thatched roof and mosquito-netted walls.
Shipibo - is the name of the indigenous people in this part of Amazon RainForest.
Onanya - The name referring to the Shipibo healers. Generically, this is who you would call a Shaman. Going forward, I will be addressing the healers as Maestro and Maestra.
Ikaros - are the powerful songs the maestros & maestras sing during a ceremony.
Mapacho - is an insanely strong native tobacco that is used to clean negative energies and transmit positive energies.
and, Perfuma - these are colognes made from various medicinal plants. Each person gets their own blessed bottle and uses it during the ceremony as part of the healing process. They also recommend keeping it handy and smelling it if you go into an overwhelming negative space.
D.S. MOSS
Next is the schedule-
The first two ceremonies occur on back-to-back evenings. Then there is a day off. The next three ceremonies occur on consecutive nights. These three nights are known as the trinity. Followed by a day off and then the final two back-to-back.
Every morning at 8 am we take plant remedies, breakfast is at 9, flower baths at noon, and lunch at 1.
D.S. MOSS
And finally - the world of Shipibo healing
MUSIC: "Juliette" by Podington Bear
In the Shipibo cosmo-vision, the universe is made of patterns of vibration. When the patterns are broken there is illness. The maestros and maestras work with the spirits of the plants to conduct complex energetic cleanses and surgeries to reconfigure a patient's negative energy patterns.
Within the ceremonial space, ayahuasca is a nexus that enables the Maestros and Maestras to communicate with the plant and tree spirits. Each ceremony becomes a spirit hospital and the tools for their operation are their ikaros, perfuma, mapacho, and a process called "pull off" in which they brush, blow, or suck off the patient’s negative energy patterns.
CHAPTER 2: CEREMONY #1
DEVIN MARTIN
I think it's important to go in with a question because the second you ask a question, there's a pause. If you meditate and watch your brain, when you ask a question, there's a gap. Immediately following a question, there's an opening to something new entering.
D.S. MOSS
It's time for the first ceremony and the intention that I came up with under the guidance of Devin Martin is:
"Who was I before I was conditioned?"
D.S. MOSS_MONO
Essentially, this is like who I was before I created the standards of trying to live up to the imagined idealistic version of myself.
DEVIN MARTIN
You're almost asking who I was before I compromised?
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
It's the morning after the first ceremony. I'm lying in my hammock smoking my mapacho...
Last night I entered the Maloca right at 7 o'clock and found my mat. This is where I'll be assigned in the circle for every ceremony. I'm close to the exit which turns out to be a good thing.
I do a half hour of meditation. There's only a handful of people in Maloca at this point. Then our lovely Irish yoga instructor comes in and we do another 30 minutes of light yoga.
Jason and Carolina, came in, did their thing in the center of the room and Shortly after that the Maestras and Maestros came in and sat on the mats in the middle of the room. Actually, they laid down, all but Maestra Elena who just folded toilet paper squares for like a half hour.
I was the second one to get my brew...we go counter clockwise around the maloca...So I go up to the center of room where Jason and Carolina sit to on either side of Maestra Elena I down like a shot glass full, I guess - Jason gives me a couple mapacho cigarettes and I go back to my mat. And sit.
...About 30 minutes later the Maestros and Maestras begin singing their ikaros... all at once.
I'm feeling slightly buzzed now, but like I'm stoned. They disperse and sit in front of each individual and sing - going clockwise. Until everyone gets all 5 ikaros sung to them.
But nothing really happened. It was like a slow buzz that lasted about 4 hours. Saw nothing. Had no insights.
(Fade out all but jungle sounds)
Turns out nobody really, the majority of people didn't have a very heightened experience just because of the low dosage but tonight I'm sure it'll be quite different. Tonight I'll push for heroic dosage. Out for now.
CALL TO ACTION 1
MUSIC: Emergency exit by Dr. Frankenstein
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
Ever wonder what Elvis's last words were or the most outrageous methods of living forever? Discover titillating titbits about mortality by visiting "The Adventures of Memento Mori" YouTube channel and be the slightly odd yet endlessly fascinating conversationalist at your next party.
And be sure to stay up to date with the quest for enlightenment on Instagram and Twitter by following @remembertodie.
All of this, and more, can be found on our site remembertodie.com. And now, back to show...
CHAPTER 3: CEREMONY #2
MUSIC: "Wipe My face away" by Keshco
D.S. MOSS
With an uneventful first ceremony behind me, I go into the second one with heightened expectations. My intention for tonight is: What pieces of my true nature have been stunted?
DEVIN MARTIN
Yeah, my sense of pathology in the psychological sense is that when traumatic events occur, there's a part of yourself that stays there and becomes stunted. If at the age of seven, somebody did something which crushed your spirit in some way, there's a part of you that's still seven and that is still emotionally reacting from the place of a seven-year-old, and that's why we have these regressive patterns where we think we're in control of our life, we think we're acting rationally, and then we do something that's really destructive, that is just ... we recognize it, it's a recurring theme, you keep going back to that...
What you can do is go back and reclaim that part of your intelligence and say the danger is gone, the pattern's no longer serving us, please come forward into the present.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
Last night was the second ceremony. To start the night, this time I was the last in the circle to get the brew, and they upped my dosage quite a bit and this time.
Same ritual. We get the brew about twenty minutes or so later the maestro and maestras begin their songs together in the center.
I'm sitting there...it's right after my second ikaro...I can't even remember whose it was. But now is the point when they open it up for seconds. And I'm feeling sober, I guess. If that's even the right word...I'm not feeling what I think I should be feeling. And instead of my intention "what parts of me art stunted" the only thing going on in my head is...
D.S. MOSS
[EGO] I'm not feeling anything. I'm not feeling anything. I'm not feeling anything.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
So I shine my red light against the back wall and Carolina comes over and I ask for seconds and she says...
"Why don't you wait to see how you feel after your next song. That the ikaros often instigate the medicine."
But I didn't like that answer and became a petulant child New Yorker and was like no, I want more and I want it now. I didn't come to the jungle to wait. And she smiled and was like
"Ok. Have seconds."
The third and fourth songs go by and still nothing and I can hear people around me,
of course everyone is purging - someone is weeping uncontrollably and I can sense that everyone else is well into their experience and I'm not, it's quite peculiar.
Then the last Maestra - Maestra Maricella, she gets to the person to my left.
Her voice is so high-pitched it's excruciating. It triggered something and in an instant the space just blew up.
I was incapacitated. I could hear people whispering like a mile away, I could hear everything and it became so overwhelming that - I couldn't...I couldn't open my eyes it was so bright...I was...without realizing it... I didn't surrender to it. I was... like very very afraid.
Now the Maestra is sitting in front of me or standing on top of me I can't tell and I just sink into the ground and it was quite warm and violent and then I realize that my body... I was in the fetal position and then I was aware that I was experiencing my birth.
And at that moment... the ceremony ends.
My trip was just beginning. I had this overwhelming sensation that I had just been born but was separated from my mother. Just left in this cold bright room. At one point I swear I could even hear the nurses laughing. So strange. It was fucking horrible.
I didn't want to be in there so somehow I managed to stand up and walk myself back to my tambo without getting lost. I wanted to sleep it off but that's not how it works.
So for the next five hours or so I laid in my bed like a baby in a crib kicking my legs, making baby sounds and drooling on myself. Until about an hour ago when I finally purged. It was absolutely horrible. I can't believe I have five more to go.
CHAPTER 4: CEREMONY #3 & #4
MUSIC: "Borneo" by Keshco
D.S. MOSS
It's now our first day off along with our first group share. As people start to open up, most share experiences of feeling deep love or significant transformative insights.
To be honest, I find myself either envious of them or think they're full of shit. After what I just experienced I don't trust anything that sounds too neat and saccharin.
D.S. MOSS_MONO
What does that mean, shine light in my shadows?
D.S. MOSS
The intention for the third ceremony is "Where are my shadows?"
DEVIN MARTIN
The idea is essentially that you are conscious of only part of your past, and not because you've forgotten but because you've repressed certain memories. Certain things are so painful that you choose to disconnect from them in a way that you actually can't integrate that experience...
Most addicts have a lot of shadow. Most people who do things that are dysfunctional in a way that they know are not serving them today are likely acting out of some shadow impulse that they can't control because they're not aware of it.
D.S. MOSS
And so, despite my birth trauma experience of the second ceremony I go into the third - the first of trinity ceremonies - quite eager and optimistic.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
So last night, I took a medium dosage. I know I'm supposed to be pushing for heroic doses but I was a bit gun shy...
I was definitely far more relaxed last night going into it. Almost immediately I felt the purge coming up. But it never materialized. Well at least not until I got back to my tambo.
I became really just sedated, just comatose. It felt like more just being stoned than anything. I did not have any visions, no hallucinations, no insights... the only thing that really happened is that it felt like all of the ikaros were landing at the bridge of my nose...tapping like a woodpecker or something. It was almost just like a consistent tapping and then at one point my face cracked and there was this green energy that kind of took over my face. There wasn't' any feeling attached to it though. It just was.
After they called the ceremony I immediately left, went back to my tambo and um, like I said purged. And it was nice.
MUSIC: "Undersea garden" by podington Bear
D.S. MOSS
At breakfast, I talk with Jason about my lack of any meaningful insights and visions thus far and he assures me that he'd up my dosage for the fourth ceremony. The half waypoint.
D.S. MOSS_MONO
The fourth one, this fourth one, and this one make me the most uncomfortable...One because it sounds to me overly dramatic. Alright now this is a Lifetime movie. But it is..Why, Why do I struggle to love myself? It's uncomfortable for me to even say out loud.
DEVIN MARTIN
Is it uncomfortable to talk about love or to talk about loving yourself?
D.S. MOSS_MONO
Loving myself, because I don't consciously think that I don't love myself. So I guess what's worth saying is that my behavior isn't illustrating that or isn't backing that up.
DEVIN MARTIN
Here's a prime example of shadow. A lot of people are incredibly judgmental of others and don't realize that they're doing that to themselves. Anytime you judge somebody else for anything, you are also judging yourself for that same thing. If you're not aware of that, that is shadow. That is in your shadow. If you were to truly 100% love yourself, you would very naturally offer other people the same love and acceptance...
...Like if you don't think you work hard enough, then you're constantly looking at everyone else going, "You're lazy, you're fucking lazy. Why don't you work harder?" The truth is that you're doing that to yourself, you're saying, "I don't work hard enough," but you're not admitting it because it's in shadow, so what you're just feeling is other people's judgment. There's a thought, "Don't be lazy, don't be lazy, don't be lazy," but if it's in shadow, you're saying, "Well it's not my thought. It must be what other people think of me."
D.S. MOSS_MONO
What does it look like when you do truly and sincerely love yourself?
DEVIN MARTIN
It looks like generosity. When you have enough or more than enough, what you tend to do is want to help other people get what you have.
D.S. MOSS
And as Jason promised over breakfast. I start the fourth ceremony with the large full size cup. Large enough for two gulps. And boy oh boy does the taste really get you on the second gulp.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
Last night was the 4 ceremony. There was real connection with earth. Almost like I was experiencing being composted by insects. But it was very peaceful it wasn't creepy at all. Worms going through my skull coming out my eyes. It was quite lovely.
Besides that...absolutely nothing. I've yet to have any inkling of a feeling of insight or warmth or love or bliss. It feels just like I'm sedated. That I'm either incredibly drunk or stoned and it worries me because it was the fourth ceremony and we only have three more to go so that was the halfway mark. There was a couple other people, well one other guy I know of for sure that's going through the same thing.
There is something that actually happened... I may have mentioned it yesterday too...but it feels like the ikaros are tapping into face...Surgery so to speak. There's no associated emotion to it though.
I don't know. I'm going to talk to them today to see if I should be doing anything differently.
So yeah, ceremony 4. In the books.
CHAPTER 5: CEREMONY #5
MUSIC: "Winter has come" BY PK JAZZ Collective
D.S. MOSS
At this point, the goal of ego death seems impossible. I haven't gotten any insights from my intentions or even at minimum experienced the first level of ego death - the fun sensory, visual, sexual, sensory, colorful, stage. Let alone again or white light or loss of identity.
Feeling the pressure of having only three ceremonies left, I began interrogating the others in the group about their process.
Do you sit the whole time or do you lay down? Eyes open or closed? Does it work better after you purge? Higher dosage or lower dosage?
All the answers were different as I knew they would be. Then, about two hours before the ceremony begins I go sit next to the pond next to this dude who had a very intense and vocal experience the night before. We started talking about his experience, not because I was probing him for answers but just to hear his experience.
Then, Tanya, a visiting integration counsellor joined us briefly. I told her about where I was in my experience...And she stood there, chain smoking her mapacho with a gang of butterflies fluttering around her and she smiles and says to me...
"Yeah, we should talk about that."
And then she just walks away. Just drops the mic and takes her butterfly posse with her.
The other guy leaves soon after that and as he stands up he says to me: "you just got to believe it, dude"
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
It's the morning after ceremony 5. When I got into the maloca I had decided to go off the plan and change my intention to "Just believe". When I went up to get the ayahuasca Carolina asked me how much I wanted and I don't remember what I said exactly but I over explained why I wanted the large glass and she looks at me and smiles like she knew something that I didn't and says "That sounds like a plan."
I go back to my mat, but this time I close my eyes for the first time and I put my hands in prayer position and what she said stuck in my head..."sounds like a plan" with...
...and I just say...
D.S. MOSS
[EGO] Let it go. Let it all go.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
And then it just started happening. let go of the narrative go...Let go of your expectations...Let the plan go...let it all go...and then it continued...down the list...let it all go...let everything go...
I feel the medicine almost immediately
And there I was feeling happy.
And then Maestra Elena came and sang her song and now the waves were red and it felt like I was traveling through my body and then I started going back into my memories, like me physically as a 41 year old bearded version of me entering my memories and changing them. Like an Xmen or the Flash, I would zip into one memory and heal it and zip into the next.
Like I held myself as a baby, and there was this one scene where I was a kid at school, a young kid, eating lunch by myself and I sat next to myself I was just like it's cool, I'll sit next to you...and I made the kid happy, in the memory, I fixed the memory. It changed. Memories are malleable. I was like photobombing my own memories.
And then she started taking things.
Then Souie came and he took things.
Then Maestra Maricella came and sat in front of me and it made me aware how much I was tripping so I put my hands back in prayer position and lowered my head so I could feel the exhale from my nostrils on the tips of my fingers.
And then the crust began to break off my chest. Of my heart, and then a blue light came out of my chest. Almost like in a vine and wrapped around my hands and like surged through my hands and my hands turned blue...
...and so it went. And she started taking pieces.
And then the ceremony ended and I was really feeling it. I was feeling amazing. I'm still feeling it. It's like nothing I ever felt before, bliss?
This was the one. I guess the one I was waiting for. It happened. I believe. Actually, I know that they're healers. And the medicine works.
MUSIC: "WINTER has come" by pk jazz collective
D.S. MOSS
If the experience would've ended after that fifth ceremony I'd have left the jungle totally satisfied. But I have two more ceremonies left to go and my trip is just getting started.
CALL TO ACTION 2
MUSIC: "O Cerebro do Morto" by Dr. Frankenstein
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
The Adventures of Memento Mori is an independent podcast and we could use your support. Shop with us. Go to remembertodie.com/shop and buy some merchandise. Get your entire family a "This could be my last cup of coffee" mug or be the first one on your block to sport a Mori "Death! Yo." baby tee.
CHAPTER 6: CEREMONY #6
MUSIC: "Departure lounge" by Keshco
D.S. MOSS
For most of my time not in ceremony, I could be found in my hammock reading.
Today, the day of the sixth ceremony, I finished Albert Camus' The Outsider. It's about this twenty-something in Algiers who doesn't invest in things he truly doesn't care about. Others in society think his flip, indifferent, and cruel, but in reality, he just didn't have the ability to make up the social lies that most of us tell ourselves.
Anyway, now that I've gone off my original plan. Tonight's new intention is "What are my life lies?"
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
It's the morning after the sixth ceremony. I would have been ok to leave after the fifth ceremony and maybe I should have.
So I take a large glass again this time. I replicated everything in the fifth ceremony.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
Things were going fine for a bit, but then something went wrong...
Something about the ikaros this time sent me into a dark place and I started to lose my breath, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I started to hyperventilate and my stomach became in such knots. My body didn't know if it wanted to shit or vomit so it just fucking stuck right in the middle and it was painful, it was very painful.
Then Maestra Elena came and I was doing all I could to not go into a full-fledged panic attack. I was able to pull myself out for a minute...
(This journal I go off script a bit. do your best to add the ego lines in where it builds the most tension)
D.S. MOSS
[EGO] Sit up. Breath. Just breath.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
But couldn't maintain it. When she finished her song I grabbed her so she wouldn't leave. I needed her to stay and fix it. But she got away.
And so I reached down for my perfume bottle to ground me and it's not there. I can't find my perfume bottle and I think I'm having a heart attack...
D.S. MOSS
[EGO] You're not having a heart attack. Just breath.
D.S. MOSS
[EGO] You're okay. Nothing is wrong with you.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
These waves of pain and panic happened all through the night. The Maestros and Maestras weren't taking anything away and one of them even skipped me.
Then somehow without me realizing it my mantra changed.
D.S. MOSS
[EGO] Show me the truth. Show me the truth.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
And then I was like sitting in a shallow dirt hole in the woods and the happy feeling from the last ceremony came back for a few moments.
D.S. MOSS
[EGO] This is the truth.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
Then the feeling went away and the pain came back. This is how the ceremony ended. With me on my back on the mat. Squirming.
CHAPTER 7: CEREMONY #7
MUSIC: "shadowplay" by Keshco
D.S. MOSS
It's day 11 and ceremony 7. Tomorrow will be a recovery day and the first step in our integration work. The morning after that we hike out of the jungle and re-enter the world.
Tonight is the arkana ceremony. The sealing ceremony. Most of the surgery has been done and the ikaros in the final ceremony are meant for protection. They are used to seal the healing designs that have been laid into the energy body, providing a protection coating - a form of spiritual armor to protect against further negative energies...
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
There was a good mood inside the maloca. I could barely get down the ayahuasca. My intention was "What do I need to see?" It seemed like a good way to end it.
I go back down to a medium glass and then I close my eyes and I sit back and this felt stronger than any of the others, I felt it right away.
So I close my eyes and go into the by far the most visually trippy - colors and shapes and dimensions and levels. It was lovely. And fun and happy. I got lost in it for a little while.
Then the group icaros began and I floated around a bit. It was very very beautiful. Very very beautiful.
And then after one of the first ikaro it shifted, I became incredibly paranoid. I saw the insect alien earth overlord. It was like a giant brown praying mantis thing. And then I opened my eyes and it was obvious that the maestro/maestras were brainwashing us and the facilitators were in on it.
Oh My God, We were being enslaved in this alien cult. I was about to yell
..."wake up. They're brainwashing us"
But then I realized it was better to play along with it and then plan my escape. My plan was I'd call Jason over and reason with him - I thought the honest approach would be best -
D.S. MOSS
[EGO] Hey Jason, I know what's going on here. I know you're working for the alien insects and that's cool, I respect that. For me personally, I just prefer not to be enslaved.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
And then I'd run into the forest head down to the river, steal a boat and float my way to safety. That was my plan.
But then I realized that everybody seems happy as alien slaves. How bad could it really be? If it makes me happy, why not? Fuck it.
D.S. MOSS
[EGO] I surrender. I'm Yours.
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
And then just like that the paranoia passed.
And then...I started to see all of these breadcrumbs that were totally obvious and they lead me to Heidi(bleep). Heidi(bleep) is my partner. She's been the one this entire time. It seemed so obvious. Everything was so clear. I think I'm in love with Heidi (bleep). All of the reasons why, the checklist, I wasn't interested in her romantically just dissolved. I'm in love with Heidi(bleep)
D.S. MOSS
And with that startling realization, the final ceremony ended. I am sealed.
CHAPTER 8: REVELATIONS & INTEGRATION
D.S. MOSS_JOURNAL
Time on deck: 8:30 am. Spending my last moments in the hammock before heading to the dining tent to drop off my gear. Then we eat. Then we leave. I have an insider who works here who says she can hook me up with an espresso after breakfast so very excited about that. We still have two more weeks of a modified diet though. Mainly no booze no sex.
I've grown pretty fond of my jungle family. This was a special group of people. I'm going to miss them. But I'm looking forward to going home. Mainly, I'm just looking forward to bringing the rest of Mr. Robot on the flight back. The thought of New York is actually frightening.
I'm leaving pretty happy though, and may have gotten that heart chakra problem fixed. I guess now comes the "what the fuck are you going to do with it?" part.
Alright. I'm done. Over and out.
CHAPTER 9: PODCAST CONCLUSION
D.S. MOSS
This is the part where I'm supposed to sum up the experience and tie a bow on it. But that's not going to happen. One. Because I don't tie bows on things and two...
It's not that neat and clean, because life's just not that neat and clean. And thank god for that.
I am changed. My ego, however, did not die. In the end, it turned out to be an elusive McGuffin. Like the falcon, in the Maltese Falcon, it's just the thing that keeps you searching. The important things are what you find along the way instead. The breadcrumbs. Those are always there.
MUSIC: "MET YOU" by Misun
And that, my friends, is a podcast wrap. Thanks for sticking with me on this journey through mortality. Thanks to all of the guests who've blown my mind with your smarts and your friendship. And a special thanks to Josh who’s had the tortuous job of listening to my voice over and over again. Poor bastard.
So long everybody. Here's the closest thing to a bow you're gonna get from me. A poem:
"We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus. That alone should make us love each other. But it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by life's trivialities. We are eaten up by nothing."
-Charles Bukowski
CLOSING BUMPER
MUSIC: End with our theme music
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
The episode was produced by Josh Heilbronner and D.S. Moss Theme music composed by Mikey Ballou. This has been a production of The Jones Story Company. Until the next time... remember to die.